This morning a bird whistled as I got undressed and it was only then that I noticed the crack in the wall. My cardinal substance is seeing-awareness or observing with the direct eye. But I have been misheld.

I get sick of reading my own handwriting it is a bit psychotic, no? I trust myself to decode my own language but often cannot. Everything feels so stiff and brittle. I have always dreamt of pools since I was a child, pools + kittens. Even as a child, sensing the dangerous eroticism of women’s bodies. Anaïs Nin rouging her labia. I hadn’t felt a tug of pleasure in a while and now it’s back—a lady’s ass in the park is touching on every passerby. A single blade of grass clings to her wet bottom. I have stopped cultivating my own good ass as it wasn’t born for stardom, but it does respond well to small improvements. 

I had a dream you affixed yourself to something wooden and it had to be removed in a scarring manner. Where you took your ache and made it mine. Someone said, “she is her own woman” and made the sign of the cross. There were watermelons smashed open all over the floor. We both laughed at the violence.

A man asked me today if I was pregnant. I said I am not with child I am “with geometry.” What is the word for being full of babies, on a spirit level? Your real self crouching very small inside of you.

What is the scent of populism? I am being very specific. The lip is a peopled place / very public is this lip. I don’t believe much in privacy, as there isn’t enough time for all that, but I do see how the lack of it can really mess you up as a person.

Last night I dreamt I mispronounced The Iliad in front of the entire class and then had to stand corrected. There is something so violent about laughter…I think I need bangs to hide my dissatisfaction, I need one more inch in the front to hide my cowlick. Above all, humans suffer from poor design. At the risk of pushing, I want to say I am sad we didn’t get to have a conversation. I hope I haven’t come off as flippant when what I really am is confused. I have felt drawn to you on many levels but I’m moving very slowly these days and trying to stay present in my feelings.

I’ve been thinking about this one biblical story, about a guy who went looking for ass and instead found an entire kingdom.

You open a door and there are just more doors.

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